Face it, GOP. Trump’s cheese slid off his cracker. It ain’t coming back.

Felon Donald Trump arose glassy-eyed from his crypt of self-pity Friday morning to remind Americans he’s not just the first convicted criminal to run for president – he’s also a rambling, incoherent mess.
Speaking of his conviction on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records to cloak a hush-money payment to former adult film star Stormy Daniels ahead of the 2016 election, Trump babbled at reporters who had gathered inside Trump Tower in Manhattan.
“Crimes crimes, they’re falsifying business records,” he said, looking exhausted and more half-crazed than usual. “That sounds so bad, to me it sounds very bad. You know it’s only a misdemeanor (FACT CHECK: These were felony counts) but to me it sounds so bad, when they say falsifying business records, that’s a bad thing for me, I’ve never had that before. I’m falsifying … you know what falsifying business records is, in the first degree, they say falsifying business records, sounds so good, right?”
Uhhh … sure?
The man some actually believe is qualified to be president of the United States also claimed that witnesses in his trial were “literally crucified,” said President Joe Biden wants to “stop you from having cars” and said the judge who will sentence him on July 11 is “really a devil.”
Trump is now a convicted felon.Democrats, don’t let voters forget it.
Trump could have testified in his own defense but didn’t, and the excuse he offered was a random assortment of words that went nowhere then veered into an entirely different subject: “I would have loved to have testified, to this day I would’ve liked to have testified, but you would have said something out of whack like it was a beautiful sunny day and it was actually raining out, and I very much appreciate the big crowd of people outside, that’s incredible what’s happening, the level of support has been incredible.”
Yes, incredible. Or as The Washington Post reported as Trump was speaking: “There are perhaps a few dozen supporters outside but no organized demonstration of any magnitude. It’s mostly gawkers and normal Fifth Avenue traffic in Manhattan.
Look, I’m no political strategist, but I’m not sure putting the presidential candidate who was just convicted on 34 felony counts in front of cameras to ramble like the drunk at the end of the bar for more than 30 minutes was a fantastic idea. Trump’s disjointed gurgling delivered several “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”-length ads for Democrats to use in the months ahead.
Before Trump spoke, one of his Republican enablers, Rep. Wesley Hunt of Texas, let Fox News know what Americans would be hearing from the former president: “We’re going to hear a steady hand. We’re going to hear the voice of a father and a grandfather. We’re going to hear a voice of the future president of this country telling us that it’s going to be OK.”
HAH! Well that sure didn’t happen. We instead heard a dyspeptic chinchilla with anger issues hollering nonsensically.  
Presidential polls are useless.Will Trump win? Will Biden? Nobody has a crystal ball.
Republicans are still adjusting to the new normal of having a convicted felon at the top of their ticket. They’re trying to rally around their twice-impeached, multi-indicted, found-liable-of-sexual-abuse, incapable-of-ever-shutting-up guy.
But seeing Trump’s performance Friday and knowing his already erratic rhetoric has worsened with each visit from accountability, maybe it’s time Republicans rethink the “presidential candidate” thing.
Off in a quiet corner somewhere sits Nikki Haley, a sane-by-comparison person who was a presidential candidate and would probably be happy to become one again. Perhaps a swap is in order?
There are people on the left who look at poll numbers and scream, “WE MUST REPLACE JOE BIDEN ON THE PRESIDENTIAL TICKET BECAUSE WE NEED SOMEONE YOUNGER!”
Trump is a convicted felon who does nothing but angrily gripe about grievance after grievance in a way only the most loyal MAGA believers could possibly understand. He’s spiraling like a real-life Gollum from “Lord of the Rings,” obsessed with precious vengeance the way Gollum slimily hungered for the One Ring.
So where are the calls on the right to replace the 77-year-old felon who can’t talk straight with a newer, less legally encumbered version?
Face it, Republicans. The cheese has slid off Trump’s cracker, and it ain’t coming back. Friday was a preview of coming distractions for your party. Either get right or buckle up.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk